The Resurrection of Emma Lazarus' Poem

Not long ago, I had a dream about the Statue of Liberty standing so tall that it could be seen from a scenic spot in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

In the dream, it was nighttime as I was traveling down the road that goes by the Sioux Falls Penitentiary and though I didn't see the penitentiary, specifically, I knew it was there, off to my left. To my right, I could overlook some of the city and as I scanned the landscape I instantly noticed the "imprisoned lightning" being held by the torch of the Statue of Liberty. I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing in the dream and I was blown away that I could see Lady Liberty all the way in New York City. It was a short but sweet dream that inspired me to dive deep into learning more about the statue. More specifically, I felt the pull to re-read the poem that is located on a plaque inside the statue's pedestal and to get to know the author, Emma Lazarus, more.

I had learned of Emma Lazarus' beautiful poem, titled "The New Colossus," a couple years ago via someone's post on Facebook but had forgotten most of it, including the title and name of the author. I guess the only thing that stuck with me was the powerful feeling of beauty that the poem had left in my heart the first time I read it. Once I Googled the poem, as soon as I saw the author's last name, Lazarus, I felt a wave of something powerful crash over me. Seeing the name Lazarus made the word "resurrection" rise up in me and in that moment I remembered that there is a story shared in the Bible about a man named Lazarus and also vaguely remembered that he had been resurrected from the dead by Jesus. This story instantly flashed in mind as I saw Emma's last name, but then I quickly put it aside as I went about reading and learning more about her on the internet. After I re-read Emma's beautiful poem on the National Park Service's website I clicked on her name so that I could read more of the back story about her and her poem. Little did I know that I would soon be surprised by a synchronicity in connection with Emma's sonnet.

On the National Park Service website it shares that after the initial popularity of Emma's poem, her "sonnet slowly faded from public memory. It was not until 1901, 17 years after Lazarus' death, that Georgina Schuyler, a friend of hers, found a book containing the sonnet in a bookshop and organized a civic effort to resurrect the lost work. Her efforts paid off and in 1903 words from the sonnet were inscribed on a plaque and placed on the inner wall of the pedestal of the Statue of Liberty." When I read that Emma's friend, Georgina, helped to resurrect her poem I was blown away by synchronicity. I think it's so cool that I had originally thought about the story of Lazarus in the Bible being resurrected from the dead and then I would go on to read about Emma's poem being resurrected after her death. What are the chances? It goes without saying that the statue itself is an amazingly beautiful work of art but I feel that Emma's poem brings its power to another level. It's hard to put into words. Poetry has the power to make the invisible visible. For me, I feel I needed to read Emma's poem in order to be able to see the true meaning inherent in the symbol of the Statue of Liberty. I am so thankful to be aware of this poem and I know that I am not alone in feeling this way about it. What an awesome friend Emma had in Georgina to work hard to bring her poem back into the public eye so we can clearly see what Lady Liberty truly symbolizes and be able to remember the song she sings to our hearts "with silent lips."

Statue of Liberty "resurrected" in Ghostbusters

Plaque located in the pedestal of the Statue of Liberty

Going From the Walking Dead to a Caged Bird Singing

In 2013, I bought tickets to see Dr. Maya Angelou speak at Augustana University in Sioux Falls. I was extremely excited as I am a big lover of poets and poetry. Also, at this time I was very intrigued and drawn to the deeper meaning behind the title of her autobiography "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" so I was hoping to hear her speak about it and give more insight into its deeper meaning. Little did I know that my curiosity of the deeper meaning behind the title "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" at this time was actually the beginning of what ended up being and still is a grand adventure of discovering what it truly means from my own perspective. I shared some of this adventure at an event in June 2014 called Pecha Kucha which means "chit chat" in Japanese. Here is a link to my recorded presentation titled "I See, Like a Bird, I Sing" if you are interested in hearing it: https://www.pechakucha.org/presentations/i-see-like-a-bird-i-sing  

Needless to say, my heart was filled with joy as I thought about listening to Dr. Maya Angelou speak in person. However, in an unfortunate turn of events, her talk scheduled for Wednesday, October 23^rd, was canceled due to the health issues she was struggling with at that time. I received the unfortunate news just a couple days before her scheduled talk and my heart sank as I had a feeling I might have missed my one and only chance to listen to her powerful voice and messages in person. My feelings were right. Dr. Maya Angelou passed away about 7 months later on May 28, 2014.

The very same week that I would have heard Dr. Maya Angelou speak I had planned to dance as a zombie to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” at the downtown Zombiewalk. The event was held the following Saturday after what would have been her Wednesday talk. Dancing to “Thriller” as a zombie was a powerful long held childhood dream of mine so you would think that I would have been elated to be a part of Zombiewalk, living my dream as the dancing dead. 

This is me as what I like to think of as Zombie Rose (from Titanic). My heart did go on and then I became a zombie.

But for whatever mysterious reasons, my heart was not feeling up for joining other zombies once the big occasion came around. I didn’t feel well on this day but I also felt so much more that is hard to find words for. All I know is that I didn’t have what it took to dance with heart or zombie brains so I ditched out on Zombiewalk. 

 After I decided to not join the dead at Zombiewalk I thought about what to do instead, despite the fact that I didn’t feel the greatest. Once I thought about it for a little while, it became clear that I should go visit my Grandpa Ralph, who was living in an apartment in a retirement village at this time. I hadn’t visited him in a few weeks so I felt an incredible pull to go see him. I am so very grateful to have had this visit with him because this visit turned out to be my most favorite time I spent with him due to the powerful and beautiful memories that were created. To this day, I am still in awe of what all unfolded during this special unplanned visit with my Grandpa Ralph.

As I drove to his apartment I called my brother, Justin, to let him know I was going to visit Grandpa, in case he wanted to stop by. Justin surprised me by saying he was actually on his way downtown to the Zombiewalk dressed as, not a zombie, but a full blown nerd. His idea was to be the “brains” that any zombie would want to eat. Haha! I thought it was a genius idea and great humor!!! Justin told me that he would meet up with me to visit Grandpa Ralph after he did his thing at Zombiewalk.

My brother, Justin, dressed as a nerd for Zombiewalk. I took this picture of him right before we visited our Grandpa Ralph.

Once my Grandpa Ralph took one look at Justin dressed as a nerd he began to chuckle. In fact, he chuckled on and off during our entire visit because of how much Justin both looked and talked like a nerd. Justin did his best "nerd" accent and said various humorous things about his pocket protector and calculations, among other things. I am certain that it was on this day that I saw my Grandpa laugh more than I had ever seen him laugh. It is simply one of the best memories I have to look back upon because of how much laughter was involved. 

I also love to look back on this memory because of a profound story that my Grandpa shared that caught me by total surprise. At one point during our visit my Grandpa grabbed some photos and photo albums and began sharing stories from his childhood and about his mother, Glady. He shared that his mom, being a big lover of nature, used to nurse wounded animals back to health. One such animal she happened to help heal was a bird: a rose-breasted grosbeak. 

I had never heard of this kind of bird until hearing about it from my Grandpa on this day. He shared that when his mom found this bird it had a broken wing so it could not fly. She somehow mended the wing and then kept it in a cage, obviously, so it could heal and then be released back into the wild. My Grandpa said that when the rose-breasted grosbeak was in the cage he loved listening to it because it sang so beautifully. I remember that when he talked about the way this bird sang his face totally lit up and he looked like he was filled with joy. It seemed as if he could still hear this bird singing in his memory and I don't doubt that its song lived on inside of him. He said, "And that bird would SING!!" I smile just by recalling this. It was amazing to hear this story for more than one reason. First of all, I am so grateful I didn't miss my opportunity to hear this story by almost succumbing myself to being a total zombie instead. Also, I am most definitely in awe of it because I just so happened to hear this story the very same week that I would have listened to Dr. Maya Angelou speak at Augustana College had she been well enough to travel. So as synchronicity would have it, my Grandpa Ralph, having no clue about the unfortunate cancellation of Dr. Maya Angelou's talk, shared a story about a caged bird that sang.

Below you will find a picture of the actual bird cage that my Grandma Glady used to house the rose-breasted grosbeak that sang so beautifully. It is now hanging in my Grandma Dorie's house and she enjoys decorating it her own unique ways. I love to look at it and see the deep meaning inherent in it. I hope to someday see a rose-breasted grosbeak in the wild and hear it sing because I just know this will make me light up and make my own "caged bird" sing. 

Do you know why the caged bird sings? I now believe this is one of the most important questions to ponder in life because of the quest it has the power to bring you on, if you are ready and willing to go on the adventure...

"Your heart is in a bird cage singing in your chest. You wanna shut it up but give it a rest. You're gonna die one day."    ~lyrics by Carsie Blanton from her song 'Smoke Alarm"

Click here if you would like to listen to a rose-breasted grosbeak's song

A Dream, A Death, and the Dance of Life

In my previous post, I shared synchronicities that Salma Hayek had with the poem The Prophet which were like dreams that came true for her. Dreams she held in her heart. Salma quoted this line from the poem in the talk she gave after receiving the Kahlil Gibran 'Spirit of Humanity' Award: "Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity." This line appears in the section of the poem that speaks about death.

I was deeply moved by Salma's story about how she was introduced to The Prophet via her grandfather and find it so beautiful how one poem can add so much depth of meaning to so many lives. It is truly magical the stories that unfold when one's heart connects with this poem. I shared my story of how this poem was introduced into my life in an earlier post. If you haven't read it or would like to read it again, it is located here.

Now onto the story...

As I have shared before, on November 23, 2013 I discovered this book at my Grandma Dorie's house during a time when I would stay with her some weekends to keep her company when my Grandpa Ralph had temporarily moved into a retirement community. When my Grandpa moved out it was very hard on my Grandma as they had been married for over 50 years by this point so it was, obviously, not an easy change to adjust to for either of them. Adding even more stress was the fact that my Grandpa's health was a growing concern at this time and he seemed to be getting increasingly skinny and weak. Thankfully, my Grandpa Ralph lived in this retirement community for only a few months, if that, and then decided to move home. I believe he experienced a change of heart while living in the retirement community. As I look back on this now, I have a strong feeling he knew that he didn't have much longer to live and in his heart he desired to die at home.

Shortly before my Grandpa Ralph arrived back at home, I remember hearing my Grandma Dorie talk with him on the phone while he was still at the retirement community and he had told her that he wanted to come home. My Grandma responded by saying something like, "Yes, your family wants you home, Ralph. Come home." Whatever she said exactly, it touched my heart so deeply. My Grandma felt so much relief knowing he was moving home and I felt relieved as well because I could see how stressful the situation was for both of them and my family. When my Grandpa arrived at home I honestly felt like I was looking at a different person because I witnessed an emotional side of him I had never seen before. I believe his heart was opening up because he knew his life was nearing its end. While living in the retirement community I think that he may have experienced his own sort of "life review" by looking deeply at the life he had lived to see what was ultimately important to him: the place he loved to call home and his family.

At one point, while I was in another room, I could hear my Grandma and Grandpa talking in the kitchen. For the first time, I heard my Grandpa start crying. He shared with my Grandma, in his own way, that he wished he would have expressed more love and affection to his family. He broke down and sobbed as he shared this from his heart. He said he wasn't good at expressing love because he had grown up in a household that didn't express a lot of love and affection, though I believe he still knew that he was very much loved. My Grandma tried to comfort him and I heard her say, "It's okay, Ralph." I am thankful that I was able to hear this powerful, yet tender moment between them because it holds a deep message that I feel my heart needed to hear. Shortly after this, I went into the kitchen when I felt I wouldn't intrude on their intimate conversation. I walked in as my Grandpa was heading to go sit in his favorite chair in the living room. As he was looking out the window he said to me, "Sarah, I never should have left." I said, "It's okay, Grandpa." Then he said,  "I missed the view from my chair." I then shared with him that I didn't see his moving out as a mistake which is the truth. From my perspective, I feel that him moving out is what helped him to gain more perspective on his life and to look at it more closely with the vision of his heart. I did not share this with him, though I wish I would have. I kept things short and sweet and simply told him that what mattered is that he was home now.  (I share more of my perspective about this, and more synchronicities involved in the story, in a Pecha Kucha presentation I gave in January 2017. If your heart desires to watch and listen to that story, here is the link: http://www.pechakucha.org/presentations/synchronicity-eye-on-the-surprise )

Later in the day, I asked my Grandma and Grandpa if I they wanted me to leave since my Grandpa was now home and also because I had been sleeping in his bed (they had separate bedrooms) but my Grandpa told me that he wanted me to stay. It's amazing how a simple statement like that can touch your heart so deeply. In a mysterious way, I felt honored to be staying with them during such an intimate point in their lives.

The day my Grandpa Ralph moved home from the retirement community became the first night in many years that he and my Grandma Dorie slept in the same bed. I can't even put it into words how beautiful this was in my eyes. I felt like I was witnessing a deep healing moment in their hearts and the heart of my family during this time and I felt so honored to see, hear, and feel all that I did. I value how deeply meaningful life is and this was my kind of deep. So, it was on this night that I slept in my Grandpa's room which was directly across the hall from my Grandma Dorie's room where they shared the same bed. Simple and yet so profound at the same time. And it was on this night, which was December 8, 2013 that I received a powerful gift----a dream inspired by a message in The Prophet. 

The reason I remember the exact night I had this dream is because I recorded it in my dream journal. When I experience a profound dream I record it right away so that I don't forget any details and because I believe they are truly gifts that hold deep messages that speak directly to one's heart and soul. It's not every night that I experience a profound dream such as the one I am about to share. This was a once in a lifetime dream, for it is said that one doesn't step into the same river twice.

Artwork: The Spirit of Flight by Josephine Wall (This is the image on the cover of my dream journal.)

I awoke at midnight to record this dream:

"I was standing on one side of a table while my Grandma Dorie and Grandpa Ralph were sitting in chairs on the other side of it. I began explaining to them how I see an ending as the beginning of something new and that endings and beginnings are part of the same thing, like they are one. As I was explaining this, I put my hands together, interweaving my fingers in a way that people do when they are praying. Then I said that I believe that when we die we go "Home," wherever "Home" may be. I said to them, "If I made it here (meaning Earth) safely, why wouldn't I make it home safely?" After I said this, my Grandpa Ralph's face lit up and he seemed to like and agree with what I had said. He had looked very old and hunched over sitting at the table but then once I said the part about going "Home" he lit up in such a beautiful way. Then I shared with them that I love the saying, "When we die and the Earth gets our limbs, that's when we truly dance." After I said this my Grandma Dorie then lit up and she began to dance all around with so much vibrancy. I was elated watching her dance! I yelled to her, "You're dancing with the wind!!" Then, before I knew it the dream shifted and I was walking with my Grandma. She told me that I didn't need to stay with her anymore because she would be staying with a friend. I felt a sense that my Grandpa had died because I was walking with her only. I told her that I understood."

It wasn't until I had awoke from this dream that I realized that something I had said in it was a line from The Prophet, though I didn't say it right. The actual verse from the poem that I had been referring to is: "And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance."  

After I had recorded this dream around midnight I fell back asleep and when I awoke in the morning I could very clearly hear my Grandma and Grandpa having a deep conversation in the living room. What they were talking about gave me goosebumps as it made me recall my dream. They were both sharing their beliefs about death and dying and what they believe happens when we die. I heard my Grandma ask my Grandpa if he was afraid to die and he very calmly said, "No." My Grandma shared that she believes our spirit leaves our body and goes to Heaven. I recall that my Grandpa agreed with her. Hearing them talk about their beliefs about death after having a dream where I had talked to them about my beliefs about death was beyond words powerful and beautiful. I only wish I would have gotten out of bed to join their conversation, but I didn't want to intrude on their intimate moment.

A little over three months after I had this dream about talking to my grandparents about death and then hearing their own conversation about death, my Grandpa Ralph died at his home in his bedroom on the morning of March 24, 2014 at the age of 87. It brings me to tears sharing this story because I do hold regret for not opening up to my Grandpa more before he died. I wanted to so badly but I was afraid for various reasons. I knew my dream had been telling me that he didn't have much longer to live and yet I was afraid to talk with him about deep heartfelt things in life. I, too, struggle with showing a lot of love and affection with those closest to me but I continue to work to change this about myself. I'm thankful for this dream and this story I have to share about my grandparents because it inspires me to listen to what my heart is saying, which is to express more love and affection in the world and to share more of what is in my heart. I have arrived at a point in my life where I feel like I have enough courage to share more of who I truly am. I have learned that it truly does take courage to open your heart, sharing who you truly are, to give love and affection because then you become vulnerable. But I have also learned that this is what life is about which means it's all worth it in the end, no matter the pain you become vulnerable to by opening your heart and following its lead in the dance of life. In the lyrics of the song 'Smoke Alarm' by Carsie Blanton: "Your heart is in a bird cage, singing in your chest. You wanna shut it up but give it a rest. You're gonna die one day....We'll go singing to the smoke alarms. We'll dance into the ground."

"My Heart Is Captured" by Amanda Cass

Salma Hayek Sees the Magic of The Prophet

Not long ago, as I was searching for Youtube videos about Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet" I made the awesome discovery that Salma Hayek had produced an animated film inspired by the book which is obviously titled, "The Prophet." It came out in 2014. I had no idea this movie existed so it was an incredible surprise. As I searched more, I found interviews and talks with Salma where she revealed why Kahlil and this poem of his means so much to her. What she shared in a particular talk blew me away and touched me deeply because the meaning she sees in the poem goes as deep as the meaning I see and also because she experienced some very powerful "meaningful coincidences" with Kahlil and "The Prophet" that are undeniable.

If anyone would like to listen to Salma talk about the inspiration and magic she feels in connection with this poem and poet, I recommend listening to a particular talk she gave at the 2015 Kahlil Gibran "Spirit of Humanity" Awards Gala that was held in Washington DC on April 29, 2015. Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBxHpcxtZn0 What I am going to share in this post is largely taken from the talk she gives in that video. So if you'd rather hear about the magic directly from her, then don't read any further.

I simply love that Salma uses the word "magic" in her story about what "The Prophet" and Kahlil Gibran mean to her because I, too, have felt the magic, which I have shared about in my previous posts. MAGIC is simply the best word to describe the experiences of synchronicity!! Those who have had these profound experiences would probably all agree to this, I am assuming. If not, well then, they are missing out.

Salma's relationship with Kahlil Gibran and "The Prophet" began when she was a child. She learned about the poem through her grandfather, as she used to see the book sitting on a table next to his bed. The particular book she saw had a self-portrait drawing of Kahlil on the cover and she found it to be mysterious. She felt Kahlil resembled her grandfather in that drawing.

Kahlil Gibran self-portrait

Salma shared that she learned about something very, very important from her grandfather when she was six years old: Death. He was the first person in her family and who was close to her that died. She thanks him for that because, in her words, "only by confronting death, we truly begin to ponder upon the mysteries and the meaning of life."

Later on in life, she doesn't remember exactly when, maybe in her late teens, Salma rediscovered "The Prophet" at a friend's house and borrowed it. Through the poem, she felt she found her grandfather again. She shared that it really felt he was talking to her through the words of Kahlil Gibran. She felt a profound personal experience but then learned there is millions of people all around the world who have shared the same kind of connection with this book. I am grateful to be one of the millions who have been so deeply touched by this poem.

Salma's inspiration to turn "The Prophet" into an animated film blossomed from her powerful personal experience with the poem. She shared that making this dream a reality was the most difficult thing she has ever done in her life. I think that life rewarded her greatly for doing it though...by gifting her with MAGIC.

After four years of working on the film, a dream of hers came true in what she sees as "the magical month of April." The film had its first premiere for its release in Beirut and then its release in Lebanon. This was the first red carpet premiere Beirut had ever had and it was a HUGE deal because Kahlil Gibran was originally from Lebanon. And Salma Hayek is part Lebanese as her grandfather was Lebanese. Her heritage makes her story even more special. Salma also shared that another dream of hers came true in the magical month of April which was by simply being able to visit Lebanon with her family. She had been dreaming of going there for many years and had tried four times before without luck because something would happen that would stop the trip. Thankfully, nothing stopped her from going there to show the film and finally see the land and people she shares her roots with. Salma feels this quote from "The Prophet" embodies how she feels about her dreams coming true: "Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity."

While in Lebanon, Salma visited the Kahlil Gibran museum where his tomb is located. It lies beneath the museum. Kahlil died on the 10th day in the "magical month of April" of 1931. These are his beautiful words that are on his epitaph: "I am alive like you, and I am standing beside you. Close your eyes and look around, you will see me in front of you."

The final bit of "magic" that Salma shared in her awards speech gave me goosebumps, which are a sure sign that I am feeling the "magic." The exact day that Salma received the Kahlil Gibran 'Spirit of Humanity' Award marked the anniversary of her grandfather's death. It's hard to put into words the meaning behind this and the rest of the "magic" she experienced as her dreams came true in connection with Kahlil and "The Prophet." The magic can definitely be felt though when you really pay attention to the unfolding of her story.

I agree with Salma that if you don't believe in magic you are really missing out. Salma says it best with this quote: "Magic is a fun adventure and it's in all of us. You just have to believe in it. Only magic can make anything possible."

The Gift of an Ending Woven With a Beginning...

Such is the nature of life to leave you with the mysterious feeling that a "big story" you have lived and experienced is "To be continued..." by its beautiful ability to weave an ending with a beginning. Shortly after returning home from the Alaskan cruise, which embodied the eventual ending of my relationship with Wilson, I received an invitation from my good friend, Erin, to recite a poem at her wedding in August 2016, the very next month. The poem she had envisioned me reciting was none other than "The Prophet." I was blown away by her invitation and accepted without hesitation, despite the fact that I tend to get really nervous doing public speaking. What's interesting to note is that although Erin knew I have this poem book and love it dearly, she had no idea I had brought it on the cruise and all I have experienced in connection with it. Erin simply had a vision come to her of me reciting part of this poem at her wedding and thought it was a beautiful idea, so she reached out to me about it. I definitely thought it was a good idea as well because I felt that this experience would help me with the process of healing my broken heart in its own mysterious way. It's interesting how a break up with someone you love affects your psyche and spirit. I felt so ugly, rejected, and broken after the cruise due to what went down through that experience. But through the experience of reciting The Prophet at my friend's wedding, using my voice to express a vision of Love that is so damn beautiful, I felt my own inherent beauty and self-worth was redeemed. Reciting this poem became an act of redemption for me, like a Phoenix rising from the ashes type of experience. I now know what redemption truly means. It means you recover and restore the real essence of who you are at your core which is a beautiful spirit. I felt so honored to have the opportunity to give voice to this amazingly beautiful poem at my dear friend's wedding. It felt like a dream I didn't even know I held within my heart was coming true.

Image from animated film, "The Prophet" produced by Salma Hayek (She has also experienced powerful synchronicities in connection with this poem.)

It also felt like synchronicity was leading me to a place of healing and gratitude which it is known to do, at least from my experience. As I have said before, from my observation, the most powerful synchronicities I have experienced have been connected to my heart, the part of myself that can sense something more. When I let my heart guide me, I navigate my life by synchronicity which means I follow my heart as it moves in the world.

Normally, as I said before, I tend to get very anxious about speaking in front of a group of people, but the magic I felt during the experience of using my voice to bring the beautiful vision of Love by Kahlil Gibran to life swept me away to a place inside of myself where anxiety couldn't touch me. The whole experience felt dream-like and it was so beautiful to be feel the ecstatic bliss of dreams coming true through the power of Love. I hold so much gratitude in my heart to Erin and Ted for allowing me to be a part of their love story and helping a dream I didn't know I had come true, right along with their dream of marriage. It's hard to put into words the beauty of the whole experience. All I know is that the experience was a gift that I feel I continue to unwrap, and more and more beauty is revealed...

The portion of the poem I recited at Erin's wedding is the part written on Marriage:

This is me at Erin and Ted's wedding. I am holding and reciting "The Prophet" from my heart.

Explorer of the Seas

In June 2016, I boarded a cruise to Alaska with a guy I loved, along with his family. I don't want to use his real name out of respect. I'll refer to this guy as Wilson. Yes, like Wilson, the volleyball, from the movie 'Cast Away.' I need to infuse at least a little humor into this bittersweet story...

You would think that I would have been ecstatic to go on an Alaskan cruise with someone I cared deeply about, but the truth is that I felt more fear about it than any other emotion for various reasons. Mostly, I was fearful because our relationship at this time was very questionable. Shortly before the cruise we had considered breaking up because both of us were feeling the strong desire to pursue the path to our dreams which, unfortunately, did not really include the dream of us staying together as a couple. Despite our deeper feelings to go separate ways at some point, this didn't mean that I didn't love him. Deep down I just knew that our relationship was coming to an end. But I was not ready to let go at this time. I am not very good at saying goodbyes.

I had been mostly leaning toward not going on the cruise but then Wilson told me he really wanted me to go since he knew that I would see nature in a way that would be beyond my wildest dreams. I knew he was right so I decided to jump on board. Also, his mom told me she really wanted me to go as well which made it even harder to say no since I love Wilson's parents. I tried so hard to not hold onto the fear and trepidation about the cruise but it inevitably was part of my cargo. As I look back, I see the fear I had about this trip as a signal that was carrying a deeper message below its surface, trying to give me a head's up about what I may experience on the cruise. But there was truly no way I could have ever imagined what I was in for. What I experienced as an explorer of the seas was a bittersweet coincidence of opposites. The adventure was both a dream and a nightmare come true.

A few days before the cruise I had an interesting dream about my trip. It was a dream that was short and sweet but it left me with a profound sense that it held a message for me about the cruise. In the dream, I was riding in a vehicle with Wilson and his family as we were embarking on our adventure. I could feel everyone's excitement about the trip which made me feel excited as well. I did not feel any fear in this dream. Then, all of a sudden, Wilson's mom gave me a pile of change (coins) by dumping it into both of my hands. The change was hard to hold onto because there was such a large amount that it was overflowing in my hands. Then, one of Wilson's relatives looked at me and told me that I was going to be "her buddy" on the trip which made me feel awesome. When I awoke from this dream I felt the air of mystery in connection with it and carried it with me as I embarked on this adventure.

I also carried with me Kahlil Gibran's poem book, 'The Prophet.' It felt so right for me to bring this book along since I have a profound connection to it as well as the fact that the poem is about a man who awaits "the coming of the ship" and naturally includes poetic imagery of the symbolic nature of the ocean. Since I carried a lot of fear about this trip I felt it would be a good idea (many thanks to a friend for giving me this idea) to seek a bigger vision for this trip to hold onto which would ultimately serve as a guide to help me navigate and sail through any fear I felt while on the adventure. The vision I held onto was a vision from 'The Prophet' which is painted in these beautiful words: 

I viewed this as a beautiful vision for my trip, especially since I enjoy seeing the "body of life" as none other than the ocean itself. It's a bittersweet vision though because it includes death. In my case, the "death" I would come to experience on this cruise was the ending of my relationship with Wilson which I did not accept gracefully.

The way the "death" of our relationship occurred on the ocean unfolded in such a way that makes the storyteller in me smile because it's a story I never could have come up with on my own. Life just knows how to write the most interesting stories! Despite the fact that I experienced such intense heartache and emotional pain from experiencing all that I did on the cruise, the story that I now have to share makes all of my struggle seem to have been worth it for the compelling story alone. I wonder if feeling this way is what makes someone a true storyteller at heart?

As fate and destiny would have it, the beauty of another woman bewitched Wilson on the cruise, inspiring him to cast his gaze away from me. Witnessing this happen easily could have been one of the most painful experiences I have ever gone through. It was so excruciating because I couldn't actually run away from the trauma of it all since I was on a cruise ship on the ocean for seven days. I felt helplessly trapped in a nightmare that I never imagined could happen---I became a lonely bystander witnessing Wilson fall in love with someone else; basically watching them go on their first dates. They shared their drinks, dinner, and dessert together right in front of me, as well as their flirtations, like I wasn't even there. My heart sank so deep that I felt like dying. To be honest, I imagined myself jumping off the cruise ship to sink and die in the ocean because I wanted to escape my pain so badly. Deep in my heart I had known for awhile that the end of our relationship was nigh. I just didn't expect it to abruptly end, for the most part, during our adventure on the ocean.  

Many times on the cruise I would sit alone on the Solarium deck in a lounge chair next to huge windows and cry as I peered out across the ocean. I would sit and try with all of my might to hold onto the vision from 'The Prophet' which was about opening my heart wide unto the body of life. At one point I saw a lone black bird flying near the surface of the ocean and I saw my heart's reflection in this bird. It was extremely difficult to keep my heart open though because I so desperately wanted to completely shut down and close my heart because of how intense the pain was from seeing Wilson pursuing someone else and dumping me on the ocean. This level of pain made the ocean swell in me like never before. I couldn't stop the flow of my tears. It felt as though there was a raging waterfall in me trying to flow through a pinhole. Once while I was sitting in the Solarium, Wilson's relative who had told me in my dream that I would be "her buddy" sat with me and tried to comfort me. I still have deep gratitude extending to this woman for helping to save me from completely drowning in my sorrow on that cruise.Without her support, I'm truly not sure how things would have unfolded for me otherwise. 

I also have tremendous gratitude for the inspiration I had to bring 'The Prophet' with me on the cruise. Having the poem book with me made me also feel the loving support and presence of my Great Grandpa Sabean, (whom I gratefully share my birthday with) since this is the exact book that he used to own. I imagined that he was with me in spirit on that trip trying to comfort me as he had tried to comfort his daughter, my Grandma Dorie, during a time when she had broken up with a lover many moons ago. According to my Grandma Dorie, her dad gave her "The Prophet" to read after she had broken up with a boyfriend. He had felt that this poem would nurture her spirit and help her heart heal from the breakup. Having read the poem numerous times, I can see why he felt my Grandma would greatly benefit from reading it. My Grandma said that at this time in her life though, she didn't see how a poem could help her so she didn't pay "The Prophet" much attention. She has since changed her perspective and now sees the beautiful power that lies in poetry. The beauty of all of this helps to heal my heart. As does the incredible beauty that I saw in nature on that adventure. I have never seen more beauty in nature than what I saw on this trip. I like to remind myself of this truth because this, too, helps my heart to heal. Nature in and of itself is a healing force. The images of nature that I hold in my heart---the humpback whales, dolphins, seals, eagles, glaciers, icebergs, and the ocean itself---remind me of what is important to focus on and remember from that adventure of being an explorer of the seas. 

This probably goes without saying, but I also carried with me on this trip my deep love for the movie 'Titanic' which also lent me a helping hand on this cruise. When I tried to muster courage to face my fears I imagined myself as Rose, who is easily my favorite fictional hero. I view her as a hero for the courage she had to keep her heart open so she could continue to go on to live a full and joyous life despite having to say goodbye to the man she deeply loved. 

Picture of me from the cruise ship during a moment when I actually felt like Rose from Titanic.

On the cruise, I also thought about the scene where Rose tosses her Heart of the Ocean necklace into the sea because thinking about it actually helped me by inspiring this vision about love from 'The Prophet' to rise up in me: "Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts." I feel that this would be the passage that my Great Grandpa Sabean would want to share with me in an effort to inspire me to let go of the past, be grateful for all that I learned, open my heart wide unto the body of Life and lean in to the oncoming winds of change.

Image from the cover of 'The Prophet'

The Foreshadow of Sea Change

(Painting by Kahlil Gibran, author of the poem "The Prophet")


I have to be honest, this is a very challenging post for me to write because I am writing it during a time in my life when I am experiencing intense emotional pain due to the ending of an intimate relationship with someone whom I care about deeply. Coincidentally, the ending of this relationship is meaningfully connected, in my eyes, to Kahlil Gibran's poem "The Prophet" which I talked about in my previous post. Though I feel so much pain from having to say goodbye to this person I love, the deep, intimate meaning I see in the budding, blossoming, unfolding, and eventual ending of our relationship is like a "gift" that is helping me to heal and move on.

In my previous post I shared the beautiful way in which the poem "The Prophet" came into my life. It truly is one of the most amazing gifts I've ever received for how it helps me to "see" my humanness and gain deeper perspectives as I explore the seas of Life.

The night that I discovered this book at my Grandma Dorie's house near the end of November 2013 was a very mystical moment in my life. I could sense there was a tremendous depth of meaning in connection with this book that was just waiting to be revealed. The morning following its discovery, I asked my Grandma how this book came into her life and what it means to her. She shared with me that this book used to belong to her dad, my Great Grandpa Sumner Sabean, who was also a huge lover of poetry. She said that her dad had given this book to her during a time in her life when she had broken up with a lover and was deeply grieving the loss of their relationship. My Great Grandpa felt that this poem could help her to gain perspective on the loss, help her heart to heal, thereby helping her to move on. My Grandma said that at the time, however, she didn't really understand how this poem could help her so she didn't pay much attention, if any, to its meaningfulness. I can understand why at this time in her life she didn't see much value in reading this or any poem in an effort to help her grieve and move on from breaking up with someone. There was a time in my life when I wasn't aware of the true healing power of poetry either. It took awhile and the experiences of some pretty difficult lessons in life for my eyes to open to be able to see poetry's beautiful healing power. The same might be true for my Grandma because I know that she now sees the beauty and power inherent in poetry.

As I am flooded with the memory of when this poem book so meaningfully entered my life, I can't help feeling completely awed by the fact that the memory my Grandma Dorie shared with me about my Great Grandpa Sabean giving her this book and his intent behind doing so acts like a symbolic reflection of a foreshadowing for what I would someday experience with someone I love about two and half years later, while on the ocean, on a cruise to Alaska. The meaning of all of this goes so deep which, ultimately, inspires me to go deeper within myself to understand my pain as well as my joy in connection with the experience of my most recent intimate relationship. I will dive deeper into more of the meaning I see in this beautiful poem in a later post.

To be continued...