Explorer of the Seas

In June 2016, I boarded a cruise to Alaska with a guy I loved, along with his family. I don't want to use his real name out of respect. I'll refer to this guy as Wilson. Yes, like Wilson, the volleyball, from the movie 'Cast Away.' I need to infuse at least a little humor into this bittersweet story...

You would think that I would have been ecstatic to go on an Alaskan cruise with someone I cared deeply about, but the truth is that I felt more fear about it than any other emotion for various reasons. Mostly, I was fearful because our relationship at this time was very questionable. Shortly before the cruise we had considered breaking up because both of us were feeling the strong desire to pursue the path to our dreams which, unfortunately, did not really include the dream of us staying together as a couple. Despite our deeper feelings to go separate ways at some point, this didn't mean that I didn't love him. Deep down I just knew that our relationship was coming to an end. But I was not ready to let go at this time. I am not very good at saying goodbyes.

I had been mostly leaning toward not going on the cruise but then Wilson told me he really wanted me to go since he knew that I would see nature in a way that would be beyond my wildest dreams. I knew he was right so I decided to jump on board. Also, his mom told me she really wanted me to go as well which made it even harder to say no since I love Wilson's parents. I tried so hard to not hold onto the fear and trepidation about the cruise but it inevitably was part of my cargo. As I look back, I see the fear I had about this trip as a signal that was carrying a deeper message below its surface, trying to give me a head's up about what I may experience on the cruise. But there was truly no way I could have ever imagined what I was in for. What I experienced as an explorer of the seas was a bittersweet coincidence of opposites. The adventure was both a dream and a nightmare come true.

A few days before the cruise I had an interesting dream about my trip. It was a dream that was short and sweet but it left me with a profound sense that it held a message for me about the cruise. In the dream, I was riding in a vehicle with Wilson and his family as we were embarking on our adventure. I could feel everyone's excitement about the trip which made me feel excited as well. I did not feel any fear in this dream. Then, all of a sudden, Wilson's mom gave me a pile of change (coins) by dumping it into both of my hands. The change was hard to hold onto because there was such a large amount that it was overflowing in my hands. Then, one of Wilson's relatives looked at me and told me that I was going to be "her buddy" on the trip which made me feel awesome. When I awoke from this dream I felt the air of mystery in connection with it and carried it with me as I embarked on this adventure.

I also carried with me Kahlil Gibran's poem book, 'The Prophet.' It felt so right for me to bring this book along since I have a profound connection to it as well as the fact that the poem is about a man who awaits "the coming of the ship" and naturally includes poetic imagery of the symbolic nature of the ocean. Since I carried a lot of fear about this trip I felt it would be a good idea (many thanks to a friend for giving me this idea) to seek a bigger vision for this trip to hold onto which would ultimately serve as a guide to help me navigate and sail through any fear I felt while on the adventure. The vision I held onto was a vision from 'The Prophet' which is painted in these beautiful words: 

I viewed this as a beautiful vision for my trip, especially since I enjoy seeing the "body of life" as none other than the ocean itself. It's a bittersweet vision though because it includes death. In my case, the "death" I would come to experience on this cruise was the ending of my relationship with Wilson which I did not accept gracefully.

The way the "death" of our relationship occurred on the ocean unfolded in such a way that makes the storyteller in me smile because it's a story I never could have come up with on my own. Life just knows how to write the most interesting stories! Despite the fact that I experienced such intense heartache and emotional pain from experiencing all that I did on the cruise, the story that I now have to share makes all of my struggle seem to have been worth it for the compelling story alone. I wonder if feeling this way is what makes someone a true storyteller at heart?

As fate and destiny would have it, the beauty of another woman bewitched Wilson on the cruise, inspiring him to cast his gaze away from me. Witnessing this happen easily could have been one of the most painful experiences I have ever gone through. It was so excruciating because I couldn't actually run away from the trauma of it all since I was on a cruise ship on the ocean for seven days. I felt helplessly trapped in a nightmare that I never imagined could happen---I became a lonely bystander witnessing Wilson fall in love with someone else; basically watching them go on their first dates. They shared their drinks, dinner, and dessert together right in front of me, as well as their flirtations, like I wasn't even there. My heart sank so deep that I felt like dying. To be honest, I imagined myself jumping off the cruise ship to sink and die in the ocean because I wanted to escape my pain so badly. Deep in my heart I had known for awhile that the end of our relationship was nigh. I just didn't expect it to abruptly end, for the most part, during our adventure on the ocean.  

Many times on the cruise I would sit alone on the Solarium deck in a lounge chair next to huge windows and cry as I peered out across the ocean. I would sit and try with all of my might to hold onto the vision from 'The Prophet' which was about opening my heart wide unto the body of life. At one point I saw a lone black bird flying near the surface of the ocean and I saw my heart's reflection in this bird. It was extremely difficult to keep my heart open though because I so desperately wanted to completely shut down and close my heart because of how intense the pain was from seeing Wilson pursuing someone else and dumping me on the ocean. This level of pain made the ocean swell in me like never before. I couldn't stop the flow of my tears. It felt as though there was a raging waterfall in me trying to flow through a pinhole. Once while I was sitting in the Solarium, Wilson's relative who had told me in my dream that I would be "her buddy" sat with me and tried to comfort me. I still have deep gratitude extending to this woman for helping to save me from completely drowning in my sorrow on that cruise.Without her support, I'm truly not sure how things would have unfolded for me otherwise. 

I also have tremendous gratitude for the inspiration I had to bring 'The Prophet' with me on the cruise. Having the poem book with me made me also feel the loving support and presence of my Great Grandpa Sabean, (whom I gratefully share my birthday with) since this is the exact book that he used to own. I imagined that he was with me in spirit on that trip trying to comfort me as he had tried to comfort his daughter, my Grandma Dorie, during a time when she had broken up with a lover many moons ago. According to my Grandma Dorie, her dad gave her "The Prophet" to read after she had broken up with a boyfriend. He had felt that this poem would nurture her spirit and help her heart heal from the breakup. Having read the poem numerous times, I can see why he felt my Grandma would greatly benefit from reading it. My Grandma said that at this time in her life though, she didn't see how a poem could help her so she didn't pay "The Prophet" much attention. She has since changed her perspective and now sees the beautiful power that lies in poetry. The beauty of all of this helps to heal my heart. As does the incredible beauty that I saw in nature on that adventure. I have never seen more beauty in nature than what I saw on this trip. I like to remind myself of this truth because this, too, helps my heart to heal. Nature in and of itself is a healing force. The images of nature that I hold in my heart---the humpback whales, dolphins, seals, eagles, glaciers, icebergs, and the ocean itself---remind me of what is important to focus on and remember from that adventure of being an explorer of the seas. 

This probably goes without saying, but I also carried with me on this trip my deep love for the movie 'Titanic' which also lent me a helping hand on this cruise. When I tried to muster courage to face my fears I imagined myself as Rose, who is easily my favorite fictional hero. I view her as a hero for the courage she had to keep her heart open so she could continue to go on to live a full and joyous life despite having to say goodbye to the man she deeply loved. 

Picture of me from the cruise ship during a moment when I actually felt like Rose from Titanic.

On the cruise, I also thought about the scene where Rose tosses her Heart of the Ocean necklace into the sea because thinking about it actually helped me by inspiring this vision about love from 'The Prophet' to rise up in me: "Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts." I feel that this would be the passage that my Great Grandpa Sabean would want to share with me in an effort to inspire me to let go of the past, be grateful for all that I learned, open my heart wide unto the body of Life and lean in to the oncoming winds of change.

Image from the cover of 'The Prophet'